Week 5 Recap: This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

BMuz Game of the Week

Chelmsford Charawalas (3-2) defeated Dublin #McNuggets (4-1)

The Sheikhs don’t deserve a recap because they graduated from/currently attend ACC and Big 12 schools and that makes me jealous cause I went to a hockey school.

The Greater Usmani doesn’t deserve a recap because he flaunts his youth in my face and that pisses me off cause I’m on the wrong side of 30.

Games to Watch

Chappaqua GOATs (3-2) defeated Boston OakTrees (3-2)

Hasan doesn’t deserve a recap because he was way too emotional about a fake line graph about fake wins and losses from a fake football league.

Oak doesn’t deserve a recap because he has gone full Alex Jones on the league with new conspiracy theories every week.

Old Tappan J-E-T-S (4-1) defeated Worcester Nation of Muazination (2-3)

Shaz doesn’t deserve a recap because he acts so incredulous when accused of having ulterior motives even though he has a demonstrated history of bending, breaking, or setting the rules on fire when advantageous to him.

Muaz doesn’t deserve a recap because he started Derek Freaking Anderson even though there were much better QB options on the waiver wire.

Lexington Mughals (3-2) defeated New England Double Terriers (2-3)

Subzair doesn’t deserve a recap because Subhan got into this league through a ton of fake advertising and Uzair doesn’t deserve a recap because he didn’t know that Cam Newton was still in concussion protocol until the first quarter of last night’s game even though had been declared out DAYS before.

Sulreeb doesn’t deserve a recap because Sultan admonishes those who practice the dark arts, but then allows Areeb to try and conjure up nazr.

Blowout Alert

Chicago 7-6ers (4-1) defeated Pepperell Patriots (1-4)

Ace doesn’t deserve a recap because he’s always angry about everything all the time.

Haroon doesn’t deserve a recap because he has way too many empty roster spots and is still upset that we wouldn’t let him collude with Shahzad last year.

Other Games

Lowell Panthers (2-3) defeated Mubarakstan University of Mubaraks (3-2)

Bakr doesn’t deserve a recap because he sleepwalked through the draft and then said he planned on drafting all the players that were autodrafted for him. #eyerollemoji

Aasim doesn’t deserve a recap because nobody remembers he’s in the league until the week we have to play him.

Boston Baingans (2-3) defeated Needham ‘Nstigators (1-4)

Usmani doesn’t deserve a recap because sometimes he wears his hair in a man bun. Gross.

Sak doesn’t deserve a recap because he goes too far with his trolling and then tries to act confused and innocent when people get understandably upset with him.

Bloomfield Cowboys (3-2) vs. Malden Cavaliers (0-5)

Q doesn’t deserve a recap because he’s still upset that the draft room made fun of his propensity to draft Cowboys and his tarnished “Hoops 4 Haiti” tournament victory.

Ebad probably deserves a recap.  He’s a genuinely nice human with nothing but good intentions.

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