Week 2 Recap: Parental Advisory

Note from Shahzad:  Welcome to Ace’s new weekly recap column which provides an uncensored look at the previous week’s games. Ace would like to warn everybody that “this will be a vulgar, offensive, and over the top recap.  If you are sensitive, stop reading now.” Oak, you can x out this window now.


BMuz Game of the Week

Boston Baingans (116.3) defeated Chappaqua GOATs (93.8)


The Championship hangover is very real for GOAT. Goat is now 0-2 despite what seems like a formidable team on paper. The talent here is very real and very scary, but sometimes you need some really scrappy, blue-collar, gym rats. Amirite, Pats fans? Fuck you and fuck Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, Chris Hogan, and whatever other white WR you will pick up over the next 5 years.

I blacked out for a second.  What were we talking about? Oh yea, Usmani got the W despite his really really REALLY shitty RBs (Cadet, Aflmo).  His waiver claim of Travis Benjamin paid off immediately with a ridiculous 26 pts (Shahzad note: Ace, do your f’n research. Usmani drafted Benjamin). He’s at .500 and Leveon and JC are almost back.  Get on his level.

Good game, Usmani.

Next up:

  • Usmani will shit all over Haroon’s sorry excuse for a team next week
  • Goat looks to get his first W against Q

Games to Watch

Boston OakTrees (132.9) defeated Needham ‘Nstigators (102)


The battle of the most hated owners in BMuz. Mark my words; Oak will go down as the greatest team of the first quarter of any season in BMuz history.  His team is stacked, but will lose a lot of firepower when Le’Veon ‘puff puff pass’ Bell and Jamaal “AHH MY KNEE!” Charles inevitable return. Congrats Oak, but the BMuz season is a marathon, not a sprint.

Meanwhile, Sak’s team came back down to earth after last week’s win. Diggs and Hopkins are legit, but this rest of this team needs to be evicted. Keeping Matthews and Jones is still suspect AF. Yes, Matthews got two TDs, but he had almost the same amount of rush attempts as Old Man Sproles.  Sak’s fatal flaw is thinking he’s the smartest owner in the league.  Newsflash: you are not.

Good Game, Oak

Next Up:

  • Sak will trot out the same shitty RB lineup against Imad despite sending 300 insulting trade offers around the league
  • Oak moves to 3-0 against Aasim’s less than formidable team

Bloomfield Cowboys (102.6) defeated Lexington Mughals (91.2)

Q’s draft class is looking strong as he picks up his first W of the season. Jarvis, Decker, and Zeke (fumbling issues aside) all look legit and could carry Q into the playoffs. Q did the right thing by not adding new players mid-game Sunday and actually earned this W

Meanwhile, Ooze Subhan has to be regretting trading Melvin Gordon. With Woodhead and Allen (RIP) out for the season, Melvin is the only talented skill player in town. Good luck trotting out Henry and James White for the rest of the season.

Good Game, Q.

Next up:

  • Q looks to keep Goat out of the W column
  • Ooze Subhan will look to bounce back against the Greater Usmani

New England Double Terriers (123.3) defeated Mubarakstan University of Mubaraks (88.9)

Sulreeb caught an L last week despite putting up one of the highest point totals and bounced back accordingly this week. 6/8 of Sulreeb’s skill position players put up 10 plus points and that will probably hold true all season.  Sulreeb was a pre-season favorite for a reason.

Aasim caught the injury bug early with Woodhead going down and now will have to really on Hyde to get him through the season (good luck with that).  Aasim has some recognizable names on his team, but will most likely have a very tough season.

Good game, Sulreeb.

Next up:

  • Sulreeb plans on showing Ace why he should have overpaid for Demarco pre-draft
  • Aasim will lose to Oak’s team built for 4 games (how the hell you gonna draft D’Angelo that early man?)

Upset Alert

Chelmsford Charawalas (125.3) defeated Malden Cavaliers (91.2)

Imad rode Cory Coleman’s only good game of the season (Cody Kessler ain’t gonna cut it bro) to a W against Ebad’s underachieving team.  Baldwin, Tate, and Moncrief should all be in the WR 1.5/2 category, but they put up a combined effort of less than 7 points.

Can’t really make a determination on how things will shake out for either of these squads, but I don’t see a trophy in their future.

Good Game, Imad.

Next up:

  • Imad will get a W against Sak because Darren Sproles will undoubtedly put up more points than Ryan Matthews (you’re your own worst enemy, Sak)
  • Ebad will look to get his season on track against Muaz

Other Games

Old Tappan J-E-T-S (108.4) defeated Pepperell Patriots (88.4) 

Shaz just finds a way to win. It’s just a fact of life. It doesn’t matter that J. Hill, AP (RIP), and Antonio Brown put up subpar games. Shaz just wins.

Now it does help that he went up against one of the worst lineups in BMuz history.  Seriously, go check out Roon’s roster and have a good laugh. Go. Now. ROFLMONSTER! Dude, you need Gronk back ASAP.

Good Game, Shaz

Next up:

  • Shaz looks to stay perfect sans AP (or maybe not) against Bakr
  • Roon will try to put up a respectable number in a loss to Usmani

Dublin #McNuggets (127.4) defeated Lowell Panthers (84.2)


Bakr started his BMuz career with a low scoring win against Q. But Bakr will learn that sub-100 point games rarely net you Ws in this league.  He put up another stinker this week despite Matt Ryan’s strong performance and Ayman demolished him.

Ayman’s team put up a monster game and he had 50 plus points sitting on his bench.  Seems like Omar is now the lesser Usmani.  BMuz owners take note, Ayman’s time is now and he may “aw shucks” his way all the way to the ‘Ship.

Good Game, Ayman

Next up:

  • Ayman will look to stay perfect against Ooze Subhan
  • Bakr has a difficult matchup against Shaz

Worcester Nation of Muazination (112.6) defeated Chicago 7-6ers (107.7)


The game projected to be the closest by ESPN did not disappoint.  Muaz’s stud combo of Cam and Kelvin accounted for almost exactly half of his points and put a dagger through Ace’s chance at a perfect season. Solid showings by the Sigi Bennett’s husband, a domestic abuser, and the #mobsquad were wasted as Ace’s RBs continue to struggle.  Ace was pulling away during the late afternoon games until a few garbage time TDs by Kenny Stills and Tevin Coleman all but sealed the W for Muaz.

Good game, Muaz.

Next up:

  • Ace goes up against a stout Sulreeb squad
  • Muaz goes up against a hobbled Jesus freak and the struggling Cavaliers

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