Week One’s Three Definite Things That Are Absolutely True Forever

1. Adrian Peterson is dead and belongs on the waiver wire.

Let’s be honest. We all saw it coming. There are very few running backs in the history of the NFL who have been successful past the age of thirty. The running backs who did manage to stave off the inevitable were players of a legendary caliber who never gave any reasons to doubt, like LaDainian Tomlinson, Priest Holmes and Danny Woodhead. Adrian Peterson unfortunately could not flip the switch to beat Father Time like he usually can/does and this was all on display with a gruesome 31 yards on 19 carries with zero receptions on two targets against a middling Titans defense. Owners would be wise to drop Adrian Peterson and look for a replacement like Jalen Richard.

2. Jack Doyle is the guy to own in Indianapolis. Or your local malpractice attorney. Coin flip.

With many attempting to crack the puzzle that is the Colts’ receiving corps, there have been many hot takes laid out. With Coby Fleener off to remind Saints fans how much they miss Jimmy Graham and Andre Johnson ring-chasing with perennial contenders in the Tennessee Titans, there were many targets up for grabs that had people wondering who Andrew Luck was going to throw to. The two prevailing theories were that T.Y. Hilton would continue his ascension and become the WR1 that people have always wanted him to be, or third year wideout/amateur pastry chef Donte Moncrief would overtake him and make the leap to become Andrew Luck’s new chérie. What people didn’t realize is that there was a man with the whitest name possibly ever constructed waiting in the shadows to swoop in and take the NFL by storm. Leaving his career as an accountant for his town’s Bank of America branch, TE Jack Doyle doubled up the touchdown count of Donte Moncrief and completely wiped T.Y. Hilton from this plane of reality. Jack Doyle is ready to be the man that Andrew Luck has pined for his whole career.

3. Philip Rivers needs to have more kids and he needed them to be born 20 years ago.

With the disappointing kidney laceration that cut Keenan Allen’s seemingly breakthrough season short, many Chargers fans were salivating in anticipation to see their star wide receiver continue on the incredible trajectory that he started on in 2015. It all looked to be coming to fruition with Allen putting up 63 yards on 6 receptions in less than a half of football. However, when it rains, it pours, and Keenan Allen unfortunately went down with a knee injury that turned out to be a torn ACL that will prematurely end his season once again. With Rivers’ number one target gone for a second straight season, the void he leaves behind will have to be filled with the likes of former Browns’ receiver Travis Benjamin and the corpse of Antonio Gates. Not the best of prospects, and not since Stevie “Money Sandwiches” Johnson has Rivers had a reliable top receiver to help his offense. This is where Rivers messed up. As one who appears to have an unbelievable propensity for spawning underlings, one would think that he could just put up and had a kid twenty years ago who the Chargers could have drafted this past season to play wide receiver for his team. But, amazingly, Philip Rivers has eight kids and the oldest one is 14 years old. Maybe if he thought about his future a bit more and just popped another kid out earlier, he wouldn’t be in this predicament. If he was even more proactive, he feasibly could have trotted out a full WR corps of his own flesh and bone. Disappointing.

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